high cloud disaster ot3 shit

[lifeban]

just gonna put the actual starters in top-levels, i know myself

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[lionsleeps]

She was...?

[Wait he doesn't understand. It's rare for him to feel so lost, but all he can think right now is "I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up--"

He never expected to hear that kind of pain from Blade. He didn't think he had the power to hurt him. Yet here is that hurt, right in front of him, and he doesn't even know what he did to cause it. It makes that anxious side of him wind up -- the side that fears mistakes and failures so much he's become a practical genius just to avoid them.

His gaze snaps back to them, moving between the two with something resembling panic. Jing Yuan never acts unless he's sure of success. He's exceedingly cautious and meticulous, despite his lazy facade. But there's not any clever planning in the way he blurts out the name he's been hiding from for centuries.]

Wait, Yi-- Blade!

[subcutaneous]

[there’s a wave of all-consuming heartsickness through the bracer, as blade stops in his tracks, but doesn’t look back.

it doesn’t feel good. he’d long given up on anything feeling good but this one just hurt, hearing jing yuan finally acknowledge the identity jingliu left him with in a shallow, unmarked grave.

he realises with a start: if dan heng had not come to him first, trying to piece together all the jagged edges left around the negative space with dan feng’s shape, he would have come to dan heng, instead.]

So you do know what my name is. [the malice in his voice has overtures of mara, and he braces a hand against his temple. He sways in place.] Did I scare you too much? The monster underneath your bed.

[lifeban]

[feeling the mara secondhand is. bad. in fact. it's not affecting him, not directly, but the way blade's emotions are spinning out of control is dizzying, overwhelming, as though there wasn't already so much going on emotionally.

he's not sure how to cut in, here. not sure he should. he's gunshy, given the situation. scared of making things worse still.

...but he lured blade here, and now blade feels like this. he set this all up. so doing nothing isn't something he can stand. he steps closer, trying to stay in blade's line of sight, so the light touch at his shoulder doesn't come off as an attack.

(this is so surreal)]

[lionsleeps]

You don't scare me at all.

[There's a hint of his old childhood petulance in that -- it's confident and even-tempered now, but it still manages to recall that ancient prideful pout.]

What was it I said that hurt you so much?

[subcutaneous]

[grabs at that touch on his shoulder, and for a moment, he trembles violently. (he’s not sorry about the weird patches of spider lilies poking their way up through the grates on the floor, fuck you, you can deal with that jing yuan.)

but not for the first time, dan heng calms the mara, instead exacerbating it.]

It doesn’t matter. [brittle.] You’ve moved on; both of you. Good for you. [he smiles like a knife, shrugging.] Not all of us are so lucky. Where’s the groveling, Dan Heng?

[lifeban]

[twitches when grabbed, in spite of his best effort absolutely still the man who has spent so long fleeing from blade. but he doesn't pull away. and there's relief and concern thrumming along the bracer as blade pulls himself together.

wryly:]

I didn't realize you wanted to see it?

[because he can't argue with having moved on. it's kind of his whole gig.]

[lionsleeps]

[Aeons, please don't. Groveling would be far too awkward -- which he knows is the point of Blade's venom about it, but he'd still rather not deal with that kind of embarrassment right now.

It's more than enough stress just to be in this situation. To be addressing that bottomless void of pain he's been carrying all this time. He tries not to acknowledge it. There's too much responsibility on his shoulders to let himself indulge in sorrow, when he's seen what became of Yingxing and Jingliu.

Now, though, it seems he can't avoid it without wounding the people he loves most. So he shifts his weight, takes a deep breath, and opens the gates.]

I haven't moved on. Not at all.

[He pauses just briefly to brace himself for the inevitable flood of emotions.]

You two have insisted time and time again that you are different people. I am trying to honor that, "Blade" and "Dan Heng". The wall between us was built by you.

But I am the only survivor of what we were. I could never abandon the memory of us, and I have never once stopped longing for those who left me behind.

[subcutaneous]

[blade slowly turns his head to look at dan heng. he's wearing the same fanatical smile he has on whenever cloudpiercer makes its home between his ribs.]

You should know by now. I derive pleasure from all the faces you make.

[yeah. good job blade that came out perfectly. anyway! jing yuan also gets the full force of that manic smile because today is such a good time.]

Left you behind? I don't know if you ever noticed, Jing Yuan, but I died. Several thousand times. I am marastruck. I did not leave you behind.

[lifeban]

[this is the first time dan heng's response to that smile has been to blush, though there's still a burst of terror licking at his bones.

he tears his gaze away.]

...I think I'm the only one here who's truly left anyone behind. But I'm here now.

[lionsleeps]

[Ah, how depressingly predictable. The moment he lets himself be vulnerable, he gets stung.

He is, of course, noting the sparks flying between Blade & Dan Heng. He's keeping in mind that Blade is clearly having an episode.

But.

But it still fucking hurts. It hurts so much he can feel his composure starting to slip. Raising his voice is highly unusual for Jing Yuan these days, but with that blow from Blade the pressure of his negative emotions has finally exceeded his capacity to suppress them.]

You left me when you chose to throw away your futures in the first place! You leave me again every time you tear eachother apart! Your "three people" nonsense-- there has never been any comfort in my exclusion. I have been reduced to acceptable collateral damage over and over, and now you expect me to gratefully accept the generous gift of your attention!?

Tell me, old friends: Exactly how much of the consequences of your actions must I bear before I am allowed to be angry!?

[subcutaneous]

[that blush visibly short-circuits blade’s scrambled brain cells, and unfortunately what little that was left working was set ablaze by jing yuan’s outburst.]

Then be angry. [blade sways towards jing yuan, eyes alight with the cancerous gold that refused to let him die. his brand of problem-solving was violence upon his own person or on someone else’s, and if the first time jing yuan would put hands on him was to hurt him, he wasn’t going to complain.

he’s already looking around for the shard sword. ah, there it is.] Come.

[lifeban]

[hot tip. do not reconnect an empathy bond with a mara struck person. especially not this one.

hearing jing yuan's voice raised isn't helping, isn't at all keeping the panic rising up his spine (with the arousal, fuck, fuck) from blending with blade's. he's hanging on to himself by the barest determination, but the hand on blade's shoulder is growing heavy. trying to keep him there.]

Don't.

[desperation. it's clearly to blade. his tongue feels heavy in his mouth, too big, too long, and his eyes are starting to glow. but he turns them back to jing yuan.]

...You're allowed to be angry. You were all along. Not- with me as I was, perhaps, but here and now...

That's why I did this. I don't want you to just... be collateral damage.

[stumbling over words, pausing, picking them back up. but he's visibly losing the thread of his own intent, now, hair lengthening slowly and horns and tail starting to bubble into existence.]

[lionsleeps]

[Do you ever have one of those days where getting out of bed in the morning seems to have been a huge mistake?

Yeah. It's one of those days. Jing Yuan is starting to think he should've just ignored their presence on the ship and let them fightfuck on their own.]

I don't want to fight you.

[He is angry, but the violence between the quintet remnants is a big part of what makes him so miserable. He would really rather not be involved in it. He would also not like to be a part of the feedback loop they seem to have going.]

And I can't trust comfort from you. You will hurt eachother, and you will leave, and... I am old, and hanging by a thread. Cut it, and I will fall.

[And then he sighs:]

Take it off, Dan Heng. He's turning you to mush.

[He knows what they're doing!!]

[subcutaneous]

I told you. [he's still fixated on jing yuan but the words are meant for dan heng. blade remains pinned by that hand, but dan heng pays for it with the torrent of lovewanthatedespair through their connection. dreamily:] I told you, Imbibitor Lunae. You should've made a third.

If you won't fight me, Jing Yuan. Fuck me instead.

[he yanks his cuff open, but he seems to not have the higher brain functions required to actually remember how to undo the fastenings of his half of the bracer. but he wants to give it to jing yuan so if he has to dislocate his wrist then that's no problem really.]

[lifeban]

Don't- call me that...

[breathlessly, slurred. jing yuan is right, but blade is taking care of it. dan heng steps in closer to blade, presses up against his side and sliding that binding hand down his arm. his other joins in, to assist with the bracer, even though part of him is rioting at the thought of cutting this off. blade's right, too. jing yuan should also get to have this.

he lays his head on blade's shoulder, horns just barely clipping his jaw, those luminous eyes gaining some clarity as the connection peters out.]

...Please. A-Yuan.

[he doesn't have an argument, for the things jing yuan has said. he knows he's probably right. but he can't let go, anymore.]

[lionsleeps]

[Wait a moment, what's happening here!? How is this the response to him yelling at them!? Between the proposition and the nickname Jing Yuan's face is now turning a rather impressive shade of pink.]

You... what? Now? Why?

[subcutaneous]

[blade avoids dan heng's horns through pure muscle memory, but the rough and callused hand that slides tight around dan heng's waist trying to cage him in place is not. mmmm.]

Yeah. Now's fine. [contemplating which destroyed shipping container would be best for jing yuan's old man joints...] Well, what else do you want? You said no fighting. I'm not good at talking. So. Obviously.

[lifeban]

[he shivers, presses closer. the arm around his waist triggers that deep-set fight or flight, of course, but he wants to be here. with them.]

I remember.

[holding out the bracer toward jing yuan, palm up. an offer.]

[lionsleeps]

[He does not have the words for this. He's confused, and still mad at them, and a little alarmed at the emotional whiplash, but their intimacy and Dan Heng remembering is dreadfully enticing.

It's also strange. This little shit and his brain's built-in "Cloud Lieutenant Gone Wild" porn collection...]

I...

[He hesitates, because of course he does. It's typical Jing Yuan caution. Calculating the risks and consequences of giving in vs running away. It's all so bizarre, he feels a bit like he's already lost his mind.

His brain is reminding him that this is incredibly ill-advised. It's stupid. They're both insane and he's just going to get hurt.

His body, on the other hand, is reminding him it's been a very long time since he's had the anxiety fucked out of him.

Reignbow Arbiter have mercy.

He says nothing, and doesn't reach for the bracer, but he does give them an uncertain nod.]

[subcutaneous]

[he lists to the side, slightly, when dan heng presses against him, one long sinuous line of scale and warmth. the triggered sense-memory is so complete that blade automatically drops a kiss on the crown of his head, deftly avoiding his horns.

annoyed, he digs fingers into that godforsaken cutout at the small of dan heng's back. he lifts his head, tips his chin at jing yuan.]

If you think I'm calling you A-Yuan, brat, you've got another thing coming.

[blade no longer has the capability for that sort of softness (or so he thinks), but the possibility enthralls him.] Come here. I won't bite. Much.

[lifeban]

[muffles a groan into blade's shoulder. it is very fucked up that his fancy robes bare one of his erogenous zones like this, who designed this fucking thing? (your subconscious, dan heng.)

but he doesn't withdraw the offered bracer, and he tips his head enough to say:]

More A-Yuan for me.

[Fine, The Cute Nickname Can Be His Alone.]

[lionsleeps]

I'm not a child anymore.

[This is an embarrassed pout about both the nickname and being called a brat. He's 800 years old, Blade is only a little older, and technically Dan Heng is younger, but somehow Jing Yuan still feels like the baby.

He's being an obedient baby though. He finally, finally approaches them, visibly nervous but also excited, with flushed cheeks and a wanting look in his eyes.

He really doesn't trust that bracer not to leave a permanent mess in his head, so he's still not touching it. He's too sane for you fuckos.]

[subcutaneous]

[do you not want your braincells to feel like scrambled egg 90% of the time jing yuan? coward.]

[for a moment: blade's grip on dan heng tightens into crushing, and he buries his face into the other man's temple, breathing in deep. slow. savoring. the urge to crawl into dan heng's skin and disappear into his heartbeat has not abated but it was not as urgent and all-consuming, now that dan heng had said, until the end.

he then reaches out. a year, a century ago he would not have done this, more sharp edges than pathetic creature, but jingliu had facilitated their little reunion a week ago and blade is tired and he-- moves, to draw jing yuan close, a mirror of dan heng in his arms, by a hand on the nape of his neck.]

[lifeban]

I can stop if you like.

[voice somewhere between teasing and still absolutely earnest. names are serious business in this... public space. look. it's fine.

he takes the pointed non-acceptance of the bracer for what it is. lowers that hand. and though he could strap it back onto blade... jing yuan was, of course, correct. dan heng doesn't want to go too deep, in this thing with blade, and alienate their third. so he carefully slips the relic into blade's coat pocket, his eyes fluttering closed for a few moments as blade huffs him, fuck.

if jing yuan allows himself to be pulled in, there is immediately a tail curving behind his knees, possessive.]

[lionsleeps]

[Jing Yuan has a REAL JOB, Blade! He needs his brain cells!!]

...Don't bother.

[He doesn't actually hate the nickname. It's nice to feel loved, and like he's allowed to put down his authority and just be the soft, tender Jing Yuan he is underneath the weight of responsibility.

It's for that reason that he lets them pull him in. It's been so long and so much has changed that he feels nearly as awkward and tense as he did during his first time -- something he still vividly remembers. Dan Feng...

This is a world away from that rosy past, but it's so familiar it makes his heart clench. He can't resist the pull of their warmth, and after a moment he places his hand over Blade's as he leans in to place a feather-light kiss on Dan Heng's cheek.]

You're both very fortunate I've taken today off.